so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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