Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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