Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
