Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
