my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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