new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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