Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
What happened to fro yo and sex?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
