hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
