Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
