Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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