My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
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