call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize