Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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