I hate all girls vehemently.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
