There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
