it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
