so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
