i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
it's great music for shaving your balls
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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