apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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