I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize