omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
