You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
