My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
