Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
