well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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