She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Help. Why am I so naked?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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