It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
