her vagine was all disorganized.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
