Where did you get a picture of my penis
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
