Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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