I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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