On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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