All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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