if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
