That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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