I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
