I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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