Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
