My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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