I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
