Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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