I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
