i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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