I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
