Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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