Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
