I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
What drink are we having for lunch?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
