i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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