I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
