everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize