ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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