I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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