I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We don't watch enough power rangers
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
