how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
