im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize