hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
