you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
