I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
