I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
