Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
