my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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