I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
