Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
