I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
