You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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