when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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