You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
you had me at cake vodka
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
