dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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