this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize