all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Randomize
