Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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