Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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