Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
