you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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