hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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