genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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